Mr Robot and Her
Original Publication 17/07/20
Photo courtesy of USA
Spoilers ahead!
There it is again. That odd, sometimes unsettling, feeling you get at the end of a series finale. A mixture of pleasure and pain, joy laced with anxiety. This time, it’s Mr Robot (Sam Esmail 2015) and immediately I’m looking at my partner, characteristically using my chest as her own personal pillow, and examining her reaction, perhaps a little too intently. But, that’s been, by and large, my habit for much of our time together watching the show. It’s my second viewing overall and her first, and it’s added a certain voyeuristic quality that fits in eerily and snugly within Sam Esmail’s labyrinthian guessing game of a show. Of course, it also means that I’m almost constantly seeing if she’s paying attention or whether she's fallen asleep during late-night viewings, but I’ll take the good with the bad. The good being, I’m able to see things with a newfound sense of perspective that means I’m, oddly, the only reliable narrator in the immediate vicinity.
Every now and then I’m picking up on clues that now seem much clearer. I’m almost annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but, then, I’m reminded that that’s the simple (and by no means only) beauty of the show. You go along for the ride and, like any thrilling ride, there’s twists and turns and a general sense of foreboding chaos that hangs around like a bad smell.
Ironically enough, Kasha and I recently went to see Fight Club (David Fincher 1999) at a drive-in cinema next to Alexandra Palace. Perhaps, there was subconscious reasoning, who knows, but the influence in Mr Robot is often striking, both in the narrative and visual style.
What I’m really thinking about, however, is what a gesture it is that she would surprise me with an experience quite like this, or even just sit with me for a few hours most nights to watch a show that I hold quite dearly. It seems small, but in my world of sometimes crippling film fanaticism, it’s a gesture that echos within me more than any.
Really, I just want to impress her and show her films and shows she’ll love and remember with clarity. Perhaps it’s unorthodox, but in a sense, it’s also a way of communicating, a way of expressing myself by showing her what drives and excites me. And, then, to see it adored and even lead to influence is a feeling that I can’t quite put into words out loud, hence why I write and why these arts and practices are so vital to me.
So, here I am, writing about Mr Robot, really to her as much as all of you. To move back to the show, there’s an ever-present theme of meaningful (almost cosmic) alliances and relationships that (for me) is the beating heart of the show. All this is summed up poignantly in a two-minute monologue by Elliot (Rami Malek) in an episode in the latter stages of season four. Confronting Whiterose (B.D Wong), he tells her: “There are some people out there... and it doesn't happen a lot, it's rare, but they refuse to let you hate them. In fact, they care about you in spite of it. And the really special ones, they're relentless at it. Doesn't matter what you do, they take it and care about you anyway. They don't abandon you, no matter how many reasons you give them. No matter how much you're practically begging them to leave. And you wanna know why? Because they feel something for me that I can't... they love me."
As I’m watching and listening, my eyes begin to glisten and a familiar approving nod finds a rhythm and that sense of voyeurism resurfaces again. Once more, I find myself looking at Kasha and realising with an overwhelming sense of gratitude just how true those words are and just how much they transcend to her. She loves me at my best and my worst and she is relentless at it. She understands the value I place on all that I have portrayed here and, more than that, she finds pleasure in it. We watch everything together and it becomes clear to me as I write this, that that’s all one really wants as a film fanatic and a semi-practising writer. To have a loving partner to watch stories with, both in the comfort of our home and on the big outdoor screen in London, and finds joy and attentiveness in the words you write, for her as much as all of you.
Odd, that a show about a vigilante hacker would lead to such musings. But, as is clear, my mind often drifts to her, and this is just the way I choose to express it.
